Reclaiming Intimate Connection

Joanne Lockwood

Tags: communication skills, Inclusive relationships, Intimate Connection, Sexless Marriage, Emotional Intimacy, Relationship Repair, Desire and Shame, Sexual Wellness, Couples Therapy, Flirting and Desire

Restoring Relationships Beyond the Bedroom

Xanet Pailet explores the complexities of rekindling intimacy, the significance of open communication, and the nuanced ways couples can rediscover connection and desire across the evolving landscape of long-term relationships.

In this episode of The Inclusion Bites Podcast, Jo is joined by Xanet Pailet for a candid exploration entitled "Reclaiming Intimate Connection". Together, they tackle the often-taboo territory of intimacy, looking at how emotional connection can fade within long-term relationships and what it truly means to reclaim it. The conversation delves into the evolving definitions of sex and intimacy, challenging assumptions that sexual fulfilment is limited to penetrative acts, and inviting listeners to broaden their understanding of what authentic connection looks like. Through anecdote and expertise, Jo and Xanet discuss the complexities of communication, shame, desire, and how small moments of connection—like flirting, touch, and shared adventures—can reignite passion and closeness even after years of distance.

Xanet is a nationally recognised sex and intimacy educator, coach, bestselling author, and retreat leader based in North Carolina. Having emerged from her own 26-year sexless marriage, Xanet brings both personal experience and professional insight to her work with couples. Her superpower lies in guiding people out of shame-filled silence into honest, embodied conversations that rebuild safety and connection. Xanet uses tools such as her Intimacy Equation quiz to help couples identify their intimacy types and encourage curiosity rather than blame during difficult conversations. Her pragmatic, sex-positive approach is grounded in creating emotional safety and fostering the kind of communication that enables partners to rediscover both physical and emotional closeness.

Jo and Xanet examine topics such as the impact of stress, changing definitions of desire, the role of fantasy, and how to navigate rekindling intimacy through open dialogue and exploration. They stress the importance of prioritising sex and connection over routine, the benefits of vulnerability, and the realisation that intimacy is rooted in both communication and emotional safety. The episode’s key takeaway is that reclaiming intimate connection relies on ongoing, honest communication and a willingness to challenge assumptions about sex and relationships. Listeners will walk away with thought-provoking insights and practical steps to revive, nurture, and celebrate intimate connections in every stage of life.

Published: 07.05.2026

Recorded: 14.01.2026 Episode Length

Duration: 00:00

Shownotes:

AI Extracts and Interpretations
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Clips and Timestamps

Viral Topic: The Hidden Cost of Prioritising Everything But Your Relationship: “There was a lot of grief that happened of the. Not so much the sex, but the lack of closeness, the lack of feeling emotionally supported and emotionally connected.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:06:23 → 00:06:32]

When Sex Disappears in Relationships: “Have you guys had a conversation and decided like, yes, you know, we’re in a new stage of life and we just don’t want to have sex anymore. We just want to cuddle maybe, and that’s just what we want, or is it that one person is holding a lot of resentment because her sexual needs aren’t being met or, you know, as is often the case, is this really about, we’re not having sex because there’s other relationship issues going on underneath that.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:08:04 → 00:08:32]

Paradigm Shift in Sexual Intimacy: “There has to be a paradigm shift around what sex is and, you know, what it is now and what it could potentially be.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:10:13 → 00:10:21]

How Kids Affect Relationships: “Children screw up people’s sex lives, we all know that, right? That’s just an absolute reality.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:14:52 → 00:15:35]

Viral Topic: Why Sex Fades in Long-Term Relationships: “I can just pull up my vibrator and have an orgasm just as quick as you can get me that. You know what I’m saying? And that, that doesn’t actually hit the desires that we want. Like it doesn’t hit our turn ons. And I think that’s where a lot of couples get stuck.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:15:35 → 00:16:49]

Viral Topic: The Power of Planning for Better Sex: “Planning it actually allows your brain, which is our biggest organ during sex, to be able to start to get on board.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:22:56 → 00:23:04]

Viral Topic: Tackling Difficult Conversations in Relationships: “How do we start to have a conversation about this without opening up Pandora’s box, right? Which people are very, very afraid of. Like if I open up Pandora’s box, I can’t put all this back in. How do we have a conversation about it without there being shame, without there being blame, without there being guilt, without me chasing my partner to the point that they’re going to have an affair?”
— Xanet Pailet [00:32:36 → 00:32:59]

Viral Topic: Starting Conversations About Intimacy
Quote: “I just took this kind of interesting quiz, this interesting test about like, what my intimacy style is. And it’s, you know, X, Y and Z. And I’m kind of curious, like, what is yours? Would you want to take this test? Right. And then ideally that starts a conversation in sort of in a way that is not very threatening to either partner.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:34:39 → 00:35:03]

Unlocking Core Desires in Relationships: “And underneath the fantasy is really what we call the core desires, which are the emotions that you want to have when you’re having sex. So what is it that’s actually turning you on within that fantasy and understanding what that emotion is? Whatever it is, right. Then if you can’t have that, if you can’t accomplish that in. In that particular fantasy, because maybe it’s a boundary for your partner, how else can you get that emotion met in your sex life? That’s very important.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:40:19 → 00:40:49]

The Secret to Intimacy in Relationships: “what underlies all of having more intimacy and, and, and more connection with your partner is first good communication. And though we didn’t really talk about this much emotional safety, which is a huge reason why couples are feeling disconnected and are not having sex and don’t feel like they can actually have a real conversation with each Other because what they say might be used against them or weaponized and they’ve been shut down before.”
— Xanet Pailet [00:45:32 → 00:46:26]

Definition of Terms Used

What is a Sexless Marriage?

Definition: A sexless marriage refers to a committed long-term relationship in which sexual activity between partners is infrequent or absent for an extended period, often defined as less than ten times a year.
Relevance: The concept is central to the episode, as many couples experience prolonged periods without sex, impacting emotional and relational intimacy, and serving as a catalyst for seeking support or change.
Examples: Couples who focus on parenting, careers, or personal hobbies while avoiding sexual connection with each other for months or even years.
Related Terms: Intimacy, Libido, Relationship Counselling, Emotional Disconnection, Low Desire Marriage
Common Misconceptions: It is often believed that sexless marriages are rare or necessarily a sign of relationship failure, but they can result from various factors including medical issues, trauma, stress, or mutual agreement without indicating the end of love or partnership.

What is PIV (Penis-in-Vagina) Sex?

Definition: PIV sex, standing for penis-in-vagina sex, is a clinical and sex therapy term referring specifically to penetrative intercourse between a penis and a vagina.
Relevance: The episode challenges the notion that this is the only or primary form of sexual intimacy, advocating for a broader, more inclusive definition of sex relevant to all relationship structures.
Examples: Many heteronormative couples focus on PIV as the end-goal of sexual activity, while non-heteronormative or older couples might not.
Related Terms: Non-penetrative Sex, Sexual Spectrum, Heteronormativity, Erotic Connection
Common Misconceptions: Sex is frequently equated only with PIV, excluding other erotic and intimate acts; this excludes people of diverse sexual orientations, those with medical limitations, and others whose sexual activity does not include penetration.

What is New Relationship Energy?

Definition: New relationship energy (NRE) describes the surge of excitement, infatuation, and heightened sexual desire commonly experienced at the beginning of a romantic or sexual relationship, driven by neurochemical reactions such as dopamine rushes.
Relevance: Recognised in the episode as a normal, time-limited state, NRE often fades after six to eighteen months, posing challenges for sustaining passion and connection in long-term partnerships.
Examples: Couples “going at it like bunnies” in the early months, feeling energised and adventurous before settling into routine.
Related Terms: Honeymoon Period, Dopamine, Long-term Relationship, Libido Synchronisation
Common Misconceptions: Many believe enduring passion is supposed to last indefinitely, leading to unnecessary disappointment or seeking affairs when the novelty diminishes—when, in reality, NRE naturally declines.

What is an Intimacy Equation Quiz?

Definition: An intimacy equation quiz is a diagnostic tool designed to help individuals and couples identify their preferred intimacy styles or “types”, highlighting differences in emotional, sensual, or adventurous needs in relationship dynamics.
Relevance: It facilitates non-threatening, curiosity-driven conversations for couples struggling to broach the topic of intimacy, offering a low-stakes entry point to reflect on and communicate about needs.
Examples: An online quiz exploring whether a person’s intimacy needs lean more towards emotional safety, sensual touch, or novelty; results spark discussion about mutual compatibility and unmet needs.
Related Terms: Love Languages, Personality Inventory, Sexual Styles, Couples Therapy
Common Misconceptions: Such quizzes are sometimes dismissed as gimmicks or magazine fodder, when in fact they can offer valuable therapeutic insight and practical frameworks for initiating dialogue.

What is Obligation Sex?

Definition: Obligation sex refers to sexual activity undertaken primarily out of a sense of duty or responsibility to a partner, rather than genuine desire or authentic enthusiasm, often to avoid conflict or maintain relationship harmony.
Relevance: The episode highlights the risk of obligation sex fostering resentment, emotional disconnect, and a further decrease in sexual fulfilment, instead of restoring genuine connection.
Examples: Agreeing to sexual activity to prevent a partner’s frustration or as a perceived marital duty, even when uninterested or emotionally detached.
Related Terms: Resentment, Duty Sex, Emotional Disconnection, Consent, Sexual Autonomy
Common Misconceptions: It’s often assumed that obligation sex is harmless or a temporary fix; in reality, over time, it can erode trust, breed resentment, and reinforce cycles of avoidance and dissatisfaction.